Almost four years ago, I started working at my company, in a department that served as a project management liaison between IT and Finance. After two years, I found myself feeling trapped, not seeing a future, bored with current projects, and looking elsewhere for career enjoyment and enhancement.
I left that job for a *career* in Anti-Money Laundering. I joined that department thinking it was the best decision I had ever made. For three great months I thought I was on top of the world. IT tried to lure me back in but I was way too happy to listen to logic and reasoning. And then after those three months were over, I spent twelve months miserable, hoping that someday, the career I had once dreamed of, would show itself. I never lost faith as my soul was slowly, and painfully, sucked out of me. During this time, I found spiritual fulfillment at yoga teacher training.
In December of 2008, I was finally offered an opportunity to escape that dysfunctional group and put myself back on track to a career. I got a promotion without a raise in my salary, but was so content to be in this new department with its friendly non-soul-sucking people that it didn't occur to me that there might be a brighter future for me elsewhere.
And then I went on vacation. What a lovely vacation it was. I was happy for three weeks straight. It was glorious.
Interesting twist: I came back from vacation and my job had been moved, five months after it started. To IT Finance. I seem to have found myself right back where I started. I begged and pleaded to get out of this world, and here I am, back in it, being accepted with a warm welcome, no less. All of my old colleagues who knew me "when" are telling me how good it is to finally have me back. It's as though they're saying "I knew she'd finally come around."
It would appear that IT is like that great relationship you got bored with, so you went and had an affair with the older man who promised you the world and then never left his wife, and then you escaped that dysfunction and got settled in the "safe" relationship with the nice guy who has a great family which looked reeeeeally appealing after that mess of an affair and you never really knew anything was missing until one day, you're sitting in your new office and you finally figure out that your one true love was IT after all. And IT knew it all along.
Friday, June 05, 2009
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Vision
I am jolted awake. My left hand grips my left cheek as my potentially prophetic vision of lost vision sends beads of sweat into my tearless eyes. Instantly, the moisture is comforting.
I stared at myself and felt enlightened. As though, by looking into my own eyes, I could peer into the greater depths of a world that is inaccessible to me in my awake life. I know knowledge. I understand comprehension. I fear nothing, not even fear itself.
I notice that my left eye is injured. I close it to avoid the pain and inevitable suffering of the intimate reality of this world I have been dissecting so delicately. I intuitively know that I must manifest the love that will eventually heal me and yet, instead, I open my lunar side and impulsively expose it, and all its feminine vulnerabilities, to the light of a brilliant Spring day. I hoped, perhaps in vain, that the sun might work its magic so I didn't have to.
Bathed in the reality of a dream, I begin to let go of my angst-ridden face. It is still nighttime, after all, and I can see clear as day.
I stared at myself and felt enlightened. As though, by looking into my own eyes, I could peer into the greater depths of a world that is inaccessible to me in my awake life. I know knowledge. I understand comprehension. I fear nothing, not even fear itself.
I notice that my left eye is injured. I close it to avoid the pain and inevitable suffering of the intimate reality of this world I have been dissecting so delicately. I intuitively know that I must manifest the love that will eventually heal me and yet, instead, I open my lunar side and impulsively expose it, and all its feminine vulnerabilities, to the light of a brilliant Spring day. I hoped, perhaps in vain, that the sun might work its magic so I didn't have to.
Bathed in the reality of a dream, I begin to let go of my angst-ridden face. It is still nighttime, after all, and I can see clear as day.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
The Proust Questionnaire
What is your idea of perfect happiness?
My life right now, plus a fireplace, sound-proof windows and about 800 more square feet. Oh, and a pint of mango sorbet.
What is your greatest fear?
That I won't have learned all the lessons there is to learn in this life. I'm also quite terrified of being afraid. It's not a good feeling.
What is your most treasured possession?
My ability to think for myself.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Reckless ignorance.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Indecision. Naturally I also deplore this in others. Go figure.
What is your greatest extravagance?
Anything that teases my tastebuds.
What is your current state of mind?
Blind faith yet still somehow apprehensive about what is to come.
What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Pietas, but only because it seems to be the one that frustrates me the most. I'm not one for following the natural order of just about anything. Comes with the territory of being unconventional I guess.
On what occasion do you lie?
On very few occasions. I'd even go so far as to suggest I don't lie quite often enough, but it's because I tend to put greater value in things such as the truth, no matter how much it hurts. It's also entirely possible that the only perosn I would regularly lie to is myself. Occasionally I am guilty of allowing myself to live in delusion because it's so much more comfortable than reality.
What is the quality you most like in a man?
A ruthlessly inquisitive curiosity for the unknown, undeniable charm, patience, admiration.
What is the quality you most like in a woman?
An innate ability to love just about anything with no predetermined conditions.
If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
A yoga mat.
Which words of phrases do you most overuse?
Most of them, I'm sure. Thought lately I have found myself saying, with a deeply perplexed look on my face, "Really?!" quite often.
What or who is the greatest love of your life?
The what is a tie between words, yoga and music. The who has yet to be determined.
When and where were you happiest?
Tuesday, November 4th, 2008, for most of the day, but particularly at about 10:56pm.
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
I hope I haven't achieved it yet, but I feel a sense of completeness knowing I'm headed in the right direction.
Where would you like to live?
On an island in the sun.
What is your favorite occupation?
Identifying the beauty in even living being. A close second would be making love.
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
A broken heart. Whatever the cause.
Which living person to you most admire?
Currently, and ever since I met her, Johanna Aldrich.
What is your most marked characteristic?
In my eyes? My genuine candidness. In the eyes of those around me? My infectious laugh.
What is your favorite journey?
The one I'm on right now.
What do you most value in your friends?
Their loyalty and amazing kindness.
Who are your favorite writers?
Proust, Camus, Coelho, Sedaris, E.B. White, Silverstein, Kesey, J.D. Salinger
Who are your favorite composers?
Rachmaninoff for the honest tragedy behind his music, and Bach for his complicated simplicity.
Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Holden Caulfield, or McMurphy.
Who are your heroes in real life?
Gandhi, MLK JR., every feminist from the 60s and 70s who fought to give me the freedoms I have today.
What is your greatest regret?
Having regrets despite trying so hard to not have them.
What is your motto?
"The only constant thing in life is change."
How would you like to die?
Laughing.
My life right now, plus a fireplace, sound-proof windows and about 800 more square feet. Oh, and a pint of mango sorbet.
What is your greatest fear?
That I won't have learned all the lessons there is to learn in this life. I'm also quite terrified of being afraid. It's not a good feeling.
What is your most treasured possession?
My ability to think for myself.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Reckless ignorance.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Indecision. Naturally I also deplore this in others. Go figure.
What is your greatest extravagance?
Anything that teases my tastebuds.
What is your current state of mind?
Blind faith yet still somehow apprehensive about what is to come.
What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Pietas, but only because it seems to be the one that frustrates me the most. I'm not one for following the natural order of just about anything. Comes with the territory of being unconventional I guess.
On what occasion do you lie?
On very few occasions. I'd even go so far as to suggest I don't lie quite often enough, but it's because I tend to put greater value in things such as the truth, no matter how much it hurts. It's also entirely possible that the only perosn I would regularly lie to is myself. Occasionally I am guilty of allowing myself to live in delusion because it's so much more comfortable than reality.
What is the quality you most like in a man?
A ruthlessly inquisitive curiosity for the unknown, undeniable charm, patience, admiration.
What is the quality you most like in a woman?
An innate ability to love just about anything with no predetermined conditions.
If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
A yoga mat.
Which words of phrases do you most overuse?
Most of them, I'm sure. Thought lately I have found myself saying, with a deeply perplexed look on my face, "Really?!" quite often.
What or who is the greatest love of your life?
The what is a tie between words, yoga and music. The who has yet to be determined.
When and where were you happiest?
Tuesday, November 4th, 2008, for most of the day, but particularly at about 10:56pm.
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
I hope I haven't achieved it yet, but I feel a sense of completeness knowing I'm headed in the right direction.
Where would you like to live?
On an island in the sun.
What is your favorite occupation?
Identifying the beauty in even living being. A close second would be making love.
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
A broken heart. Whatever the cause.
Which living person to you most admire?
Currently, and ever since I met her, Johanna Aldrich.
What is your most marked characteristic?
In my eyes? My genuine candidness. In the eyes of those around me? My infectious laugh.
What is your favorite journey?
The one I'm on right now.
What do you most value in your friends?
Their loyalty and amazing kindness.
Who are your favorite writers?
Proust, Camus, Coelho, Sedaris, E.B. White, Silverstein, Kesey, J.D. Salinger
Who are your favorite composers?
Rachmaninoff for the honest tragedy behind his music, and Bach for his complicated simplicity.
Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Holden Caulfield, or McMurphy.
Who are your heroes in real life?
Gandhi, MLK JR., every feminist from the 60s and 70s who fought to give me the freedoms I have today.
What is your greatest regret?
Having regrets despite trying so hard to not have them.
What is your motto?
"The only constant thing in life is change."
How would you like to die?
Laughing.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Now
When the world used to stop, I'd imagine myself as a great success. I'd think about the praise I'd get if I were in charge of distributing praise. I'd envision the confidence that I'd feel when I knew that I was doing something for the greater good with no expectation of reward or thanks. I'd embody the pride. I'd bathe in the selflessness. And at that final moment, when virtual bliss was at my doorstop and when literal chaos surrounded me, I'd find peace.
I feel like every moment in my life has prepared me for what was next to come. The krama of events that have torn me apart, the events that have left me daydreaming, have subsequently built me into a stronger human being. Where there was a seemingly endless night, there has followed, a brilliant day. Just like where there is heat, there is also inevitably a biting cold, an ebb, and then a flow, give, and then take. I am forever and always a seeker of the silver lining, even when the world has stopped, and today, finally, I am basking in the light at the end of the tunnel.
I feel like every moment in my life has prepared me for what was next to come. The krama of events that have torn me apart, the events that have left me daydreaming, have subsequently built me into a stronger human being. Where there was a seemingly endless night, there has followed, a brilliant day. Just like where there is heat, there is also inevitably a biting cold, an ebb, and then a flow, give, and then take. I am forever and always a seeker of the silver lining, even when the world has stopped, and today, finally, I am basking in the light at the end of the tunnel.
Monday, November 17, 2008
A Manifestation in the Form of a Selfish Expression
I want to travel and discover with you. I want to laugh with you. I want to cry and feel vulnerable with you. I want to love you so much that it hurts. I want to share my hopes with you. I want to help you achieve your craziest dreams. I want to laugh with you. I want to learn from you. I want to laugh with you. I want to create something with you. I want to laugh with you.
I want to be uncontained with you. I want you to help me find my voice, my words, my genuine. I want to find yours.
I want the window into my heart to be just a door frame with no door, so you can walk in and out anytime you please. But I really only want you to walk in.
I want to be uncontained with you. I want you to help me find my voice, my words, my genuine. I want to find yours.
I want the window into my heart to be just a door frame with no door, so you can walk in and out anytime you please. But I really only want you to walk in.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
President Barack Obama
Today, America, we are ready. We are ready, and we are waiting, and here we are, prepared to accept Barack Obama as president of the United States of America. I have been manifesting this moment for months.
I have never been SO proud to be American. Today, at 11pm, I found myself in tears, taking pictures of my television, in that moment when the person I believed in, the person who I think might finally be able to offer some change to this stagnant country, the person I voted for, was elected as president of the the United States of America.
And what's more? He's not just the new president. He's the first African American president in history. This right here, this moment, is the most amazing moment in history, and we're experiencing it, right now. How incredible this moment is. Forty years ago people like Barack Obama weren't allowed to eat dinner in certain restaurants, and today, he is the commander and chief, and over 50% of this country has instilled an undeniable faith in his ability to, someday, pull us out of this mess we've put ourselves in.
We are realistic, we are strong, and we are willing to work together to rebuild this country. And we are in tears at the realization that finally, FINALLY, in our history of being voting Americans, someone we believe in, someone who can inspire in a way that we've never been inspired, someone who can instill belief in a way we've never seen before, someone who can hope in only the most hopeful ways, can lead us into this darkness with no fear, with only a sense of community, a sense of hope, and a sense of inspiration I have never once witnessed in my entire life.
Tonight I shed tears of joy; tears of first times finally seen to fruition; times of hope come true, or hope in the process of coming true. What we are experiencing is amazing, and if you ever doubt what's happening, right now, you simply don't belong here, because even if you didn't vote for him, you must've at one point said to yourself, "it's time we moved on," and now, the only thing it's time for, is faith.
Please, today, if you are not as proud as I am, be proud of the union our country has seen, the pride our country has exuded, and recognize that today, for the first day in my life, we have come together in the biggest masses that I've every seen, we have land-slided, not for the democratic party, but for change, and for hope, and for a new life for everyone.
I have never been SO proud to be American. Today, at 11pm, I found myself in tears, taking pictures of my television, in that moment when the person I believed in, the person who I think might finally be able to offer some change to this stagnant country, the person I voted for, was elected as president of the the United States of America.
And what's more? He's not just the new president. He's the first African American president in history. This right here, this moment, is the most amazing moment in history, and we're experiencing it, right now. How incredible this moment is. Forty years ago people like Barack Obama weren't allowed to eat dinner in certain restaurants, and today, he is the commander and chief, and over 50% of this country has instilled an undeniable faith in his ability to, someday, pull us out of this mess we've put ourselves in.
We are realistic, we are strong, and we are willing to work together to rebuild this country. And we are in tears at the realization that finally, FINALLY, in our history of being voting Americans, someone we believe in, someone who can inspire in a way that we've never been inspired, someone who can instill belief in a way we've never seen before, someone who can hope in only the most hopeful ways, can lead us into this darkness with no fear, with only a sense of community, a sense of hope, and a sense of inspiration I have never once witnessed in my entire life.
Tonight I shed tears of joy; tears of first times finally seen to fruition; times of hope come true, or hope in the process of coming true. What we are experiencing is amazing, and if you ever doubt what's happening, right now, you simply don't belong here, because even if you didn't vote for him, you must've at one point said to yourself, "it's time we moved on," and now, the only thing it's time for, is faith.
Please, today, if you are not as proud as I am, be proud of the union our country has seen, the pride our country has exuded, and recognize that today, for the first day in my life, we have come together in the biggest masses that I've every seen, we have land-slided, not for the democratic party, but for change, and for hope, and for a new life for everyone.
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